Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My blood type is coffee.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board