The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
get you a girl who
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
And bowling should be called pinball
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse