[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!