I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.