i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?