the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
You Might Also Like
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.