“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.