ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime