My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.