[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.