My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
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“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty