Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*ernest hemingway voice*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.