There are usually two types of merchants.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.