I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!