16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will