im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
relationship goals
Found my door mat
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair