2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Damn what did I do next
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.