“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough