[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning