Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine