I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break