What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.