i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
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I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Florida man
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.