landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
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Bootstraps
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*