” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.