What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.