I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.