Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies