Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no