Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.