Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?