Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.