[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.