*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while