Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: