I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
A man of commitment.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)