You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I can’t stop laughing at this
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*aggressively waits in line*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.