I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.