Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
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*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
🏙👨🏼
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.