i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
dream blunt rotation
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”