[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
not to brag, but mine was free
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home