If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit