If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
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Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I am all good here, 😂😉
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.