I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.