I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier