me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″