[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
i made a craigslist ad !
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?