My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Hard not to take this personally
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.