‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
You Might Also Like
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Rooting for the overdog
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.