Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
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Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*cough*
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.